It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.