Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You Might Also Like
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.