Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
my dog when i have a friend over
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle