My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.