Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
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80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.