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WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?