ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I have no passwords left in me
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
some things should go without saying
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*