KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I support this random dude and all his protests
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.