having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
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Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes