I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?