If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Van Gone
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.