If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Don’t we all.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Education is vital
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it