me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
bias laundering edition
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Hot Hot Hot
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox