Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
kevin is now a local weatherman
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free