coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
It’s an epidemic…
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?