Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My good tweets are in my other pants.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.