Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Yes
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.