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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
“our sushi is very fresh”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.