Hamburglar search history:
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• countries that don’t extradite
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now