Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
You Might Also Like
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
was Jim off killing horses or…
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco