One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…