I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Did my cat write this
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!