I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!