[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
pelicons
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Banking tips
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I think they could have phrased this better
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.