[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Bike is short for Bichael.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Science memes
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”