Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses