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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.