I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Isn’t
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk