Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair