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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly