H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken