Happy Friday
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society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
That was easy.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Did I do this right
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
@ candidates for local office
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.