If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.