If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.