Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
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Mhm.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Nose
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.