I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I know
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
this will hang in the louvre one day
Botany good plants lately?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.