so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.