Please let me in.. 😂
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Watson was Holmes schooled
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.