I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
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Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Awesome parenting 😂
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack