[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Perfect
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.