“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
You Might Also Like
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.