My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The three genders.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.