Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…