It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Meat Cute
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
The Struggle
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The Sun
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.