I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Don’t touch that.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.