I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING