Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …