I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?