love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My circle of trust is a meatball
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Me when someone tries to get to know me