Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
We’re all getting idioter.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking